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snowcalla in labyrinthseeds

Meditation # 7

This one is cut and dry because I was asked to be a bit less wordy and a bit more open ended. *grin* So here it is.

Why be afraid of something you want?


SO I went a few ways with this. Each time I meditated on this I came up with a different answer. Which could mean that there is more than one answer (which I think is true) but it could also mean that my mind throws up bullshit to side track me (also true).

So why be afraid of something you want?

Here is how the answers progressed for me....

I have things I want...and I can't even say them out loud. Or write them down. How lame is that? Debbie...I see your lame superhero and raise you a lame fantasy.

The closest I come is figuring out what is close, yet safe to what I want. And then trying for about half of that.

I wish I was bold! Daring! Reckless! Instead...lame. In case you can't tell...I'm still mulling over the whole co-worker who quit his job to tavel the world for a year with his wife. I am still just blown away by that.

I am apalled that I want to shake him and demand' "Is this responsible...what will you do for money when you come home? How will you make up that year in the advancement of your career? What if you become ill or injured during the trip?"

What I really mean is "How dare you break away from being a sheeple when I sold my soul to stand around and bleat with the other sheeple. How dare you force me to face what I have left undone in my life."

(Facing my fears)
I can honestly say that I used to be just like that. I sought out the very things that I was afraid of. And then I seriously, horribly got my ass kicked for a few years. Not only that, but I hurt my family, friends, and I really hurt my son.

Yep...I would say that was probably when the fear stepped in. When I saw pain and anger in my son's eyes over a long period of time and had to daily face the fact that it was my error that did it to him. I took a BIG chance and I crashed and burned. So then I took a few smaller chances to try to correct...and I crashed and burned even harder.

Sad that I have still tied my own hands for something that happened 12 or so years ago. You would think that a number of small successes after taking small chances would have gotten me primed up for some big ones.

Perhaps they have...and I'm getting ready now.


Why be afraid? Because you might get it. And most times dreams are far better than the reality - and hope is so valuable you don't want to give it up. Is a cherished hope worth more than an average reality?

Say you have a dream/desire/want. You have thought about it...drooled over it...fantasized about it. What if you get it, work hard for it, sacrifice for it...and it isn't what you thought it would be?

How many times has that happened to you? Even on the small stuff. I see an awesome looking dessert. I don't eat all my dinner so I'll have "room" for it. I'm thinking about how good it will taste all through dinner. Then the moment arrives. I take my first bite. And it really isn't that good. I mean, it's ok...but nothing special. I would have rather eaten the rest of my dinner, which was really good. Also...my bill went up $5 to $10 more and now I don't have enough cash for that shirt I wanted. It didn't live up to my expectations. The sacrifice was too great.

What if I didn't get the dessert? Sure, I might have regrets about not getting it, but wouldn't the hope that the dessert represents be sweeter than the disillusionment and loss on my plate? I think we train ourselves with these small situations and apply them to the big ones in our lives. Swap out "dessert" with "new career", or "new relationship", or "building a temple". Same principle.

So I guess my real fear is that I WILL get what I want and it won't be worth the price that I paid for it.

May 2007

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